“Now why has she decided to sit next to me, especially as there are several other empty park benches. Why can’t I just feel miserable alone? I really need to stop talking to myself, I am sure that there is a medical term for this.”
Harriet looks at the woman through the corner of her eye, trying not to be too obvious. The woman sits starring at the park landscape and the sky, she takes calm deep breaths. Harriet tries to pretend that she doesn’t notice her; however, this is proving to be impossible, as it seems that the woman is deliberately trying to make herself noticed. Finally, Harriet looks at the woman and unconvincingly smiles. The woman smiles back and then speaks.
“Hi, I'm Maria. I hope you don’t mind that I am sitting next to you?”
Harriet replies hesitantly, “No, not at all.”
Maria smiles and looks around the park, “You see I couldn’t help but notice that you look very sad.”
Harriet is awed at the woman’s straightforward yet very accurate remark. She hadn’t quite realised that her inner feelings were actually that visible. She was also annoyed that the woman was invading her privacy.
Harriet replies, “Well, I come here most days to think and to get some air. I hadn’t realised that I looked that sad?”
Maria smiles and takes another deep breath, “I know that you come here most days, I do as well. I normally sit on the bench just behind that tree over there. I come here to meditate; I find it hard to relax anywhere else. Funny really, sitting in the middle of this city, one would think that enlightenment would be the last thing anyone would be able to achieve.”
Harriet smiles and nods her head, the smile replaced with a subdued sigh. Under her breath she mumbles, “So you choose to meditate next to me.”
"So what is your name?"
"I'm Harriet."
“So Harriet, why are you sad, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Now Harriet actually does mind her asking but she knows that lately she hasn’t been able to talk to anyone about her feelings. For some strange reason she feels comfortable with Maria; a strong familiarity that she can't quite pin point. She also gets the impression that she won't be able to escape from this woman unless she starts talking.
“I guess you can say that I am sad because I am confused and as always it is to do with love. It seems to always involve love.”
Maria listens attentively and nods her head, “Do you want to tell me about it, because I would really like to listen?”
“To be honest it is not that interesting, well not to anyone else really?"
Maria replies, “I am listening and I am very interested in what you have to say, so please continue.”
Harriet smiles reservedly, “Ok, if you insist. I met this man, on a dating website and I know that this might seem a bit bizarre but after a long line of disappointments with the conventional method of dating, I figured I would resort to something new.”
Both women laugh and Maria replies, “well, these days anything is possible and hey why not.”
Harriet grins and continues, “I just want to feel a deeper connection with someone. Do you understand what I mean?”
Maria takes a deep breath, exhaling very slowly; she nods her head in agreement, “yes, I know what you mean.”
“His name is Simon. I exchanged emails with him for over a month prior to our first date and when I met him he was amazing. We got on so well. Anyway, it was all going great, so it seemed, we were very excited about wanting to know more about each other and we couldn’t get our hands off of each other, not to mention our lips!”
Maria laughes and alignes her body so that it is directly mirroring Harriet’s.
“Now, I have dated quite a few guys, each special or shall we say unique, but with Simon it seemed like we had synchronicity that started from way before we physically met. But I guess it turns out that he was just like all of the rest.”
Maria asks, “So why did everything suddenly get so bad?”
“Well, a few weeks ago things started to feel tense, although I really like him; I was feeling reserved and unsure about whether I should allow myself to have feelings for him. Let me rephrase that, to allow myself to feel a deeper connection to him.”
“You see, I am so scared of getting hurt. One after the other, each seeming to be the so called 'one' and each claiming victory over sections of my heart. In the beginning it always seems that they can never get enough of me. Then a couple of months later the phone calls and texts become scarce, they are too busy to meet up and finally I am left feeling that I am doing all of the compromising or dare I say, chasing. Their excuses vary but tend to be something along the lines of, "there is a lot happening in my life at the moment and it is not fair on you; I can't give you the time you really deserve".
Maria has a slight frown on her face,” did Simon tell you that?”
Harriet sighs, “Yup. He wants to be friends. He said that he really cares for me but that he can’t commit at the moment. Apparently he is very busy. He travels regularly and works over seventy hours per week, amongst other voluntary commitments. He told me that he would really like to settle down; it just seems that circumstances don’t permit for this to happen.”
Harriet then turns her face to Maria and asks, “Why has everything suddenly got so heavy, so terribly shit; isn’t a relationship, or in this instance a friendship suppose to be amicable and enjoyable? How are we supposed to be friends when we can’t communicate with each other?”
Maria looks a bit puzzled, “So, when was the last time you two spoke?”
“Over a week ago, he barely messages or phones me now unless I do all of the chasing. I have decided that I won’t chase him anymore; in fact I have no intention to speak to him until he decides to make an effort to be a real friend!”
Harriet tries to compose herself, “The thing is and I am sure most women say this, but I really felt a strong connection to him. Even though consciously I was trying to deny myself of these feelings, inside, my heart and soul had already connected with him, in ways that I am only now beginning to realise. It is because I do care that I just want to know where I stand, there is still so much I want to say and share, so much that we never got to do.”
Maria puts her hand over Harriet’s, “So what’s stopping you?”
Harriet replies, “He won’t even speak to me, he just cuts me off before I can say anything. He’s always telling me that he’s too busy."
“Harriet, I won’t sit here and tell you what you want to hear. I am sure you have plenty of friends that can do that for you. It’s also not my place to tell you how to deal with these situations, as each one of us needs to learn that for ourselves, it’s all part of growing. Now, I don’t know Simon but from what you tell me, it is obvious that you care for him. It is also very likely that he feels the same for you; however, I don’t know that, as I haven’t heard his version of events. One thing is for sure, and out of everything we discuss today, I would hope that you take this one bit of advice away with you. The things that we regret the most are those things that we didn’t allow ourselves to feel, experience, or say. Sure, we regret certain actions or thoughts but never as much as the things we didn’t do.”
Harriet nods her head in agreement.
“We have many soul mates in our lives and each one is the relationship we need at that time. Sometimes these people stay in our lives for years and at other times they are gone before me know it. There are relationships where you will be the teacher or sage and in others you will be the student. Regardless, you need these relationships as they are teaching you so much about you and the people around you.”
“Now, I know that this is probably not what you want to hear right now. I am sure you would rather if I just comforted your ego by telling you that things will work out and that he will be back before you know it. The reality is that he may not be back, but what you need to keep in mind is that there will always be someone else whom you will connect with. It all comes down to what your ideals are and what you are prepared to allow yourself to feel from these relationships.”
Harriet looks at Maria but this time she seems much stronger. “I know that what you say is true. I need to accept the experience for what it is at the moment.”
Maria grins, “There will come a time where you lose everything, be it material or emotional, in order to truly appreciate everything. To find a soul that has reached the same level of growth as you, where both of you will feel completely uninhibited with each other and where you will accept each others' humanity is indeed very rare but it does happen. In the meantime, you must always allow yourself to feel and live each experience; not doing so only slows down your growth.”
Both women sit silently taking in their experience, this encounter.
"Who said that enlightenment couldn't be achieved in the middle of the city?" Both women laugh.
Written by: Evete Van de Saar
© 2006 www.evete.com
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