A Minha Vida

Vitriol or bitterness

In my book “Veronika decides to die”, which takes place in a psychiatric hospital, the director develops a theory about an undetectable poison which contaminates the organism over the years: vitriol.

Like the libido – the sexual liquid that Dr. Freud had recognized, but no laboratory had ever been able to isolate, vitriol is distilled by the organisms of human beings who are in a state of fear. Most of the people affected identify its taste, which is neither sweet nor salty, but bitter. – that is why depressions are intrinsically associated to the word Bitterness.

All beings have Bitterness in their organism – to a greater or lesser degree – in the same way that almost all of us have the tuberculosis bacillus. However, these two diseases only attack when the patient is debilitated; in the case of Bitterness, the terrain for the disease to arise appears when we are afraid of the so-called “reality”.

Certain people, in their anxiety to build a world where no outside threat could penetrate, increase exaggeratedly their defenses against the outside – strangers, new places, different experiences – and leave the inside unprotected. It is then that Bitterness begins to cause irreversible harm.

The biggest target of Bitterness (or Vitriol, as the doctor of my book preferred) is desire. People attacked by this evil begin losing their desire for everything and in a few years are unable to go outside their world – because they have used up enormous energy reserves building high walls for the reality to be what they wanted it to be.

When avoiding outside attack, they also limit internal growth. They continue going to work, watching television, complaining about the traffic and having children, but all that happens automatically, without really understanding why they are behaving like that – after all, everything is under control.

The great problem of poisoning by Bitterness lies in the fact that passions – hate, love, despair, enthusiasm and curiosity – also don’t appear any more. After some time, the bitter person has no more desire. They had no more will even to live, or to die; that was the problem.

For that reason, for bitter people, heroes and madmen are always fascinating: they are not afraid to live or die. Both heroes and madmen are indifferent in the face of danger and go on ahead in spite of everyone saying not to do so. The madman commits suicide, the hero offers himself up to martyrdom for a cause – but both die, and bitter people spend many nights and days talking about the absurdness and glory of the two types. That is the only moment when the bitter person has the strength to reach the top of his defensive wall and look outside a little; but soon his hands and feet tire and he returns to daily life.

The chronically bitter person only notices his disease once a week: on Sunday afternoons. Then, as he has no work or routine to relieve the symptoms, he realizes that something is very wrong.

Source: Paulo Coelho - Warrior of the Light

Simple Communication

I can quite happily drink my coffee and just stare out the cafe window watching the world (well, the town people on market day) and literally be taken in by the complexity of simplicity.

I have always been quite fascinated by watching other people interact, doing simple everyday tasks from walking the dog, putting petrol in their cars, greeting a friend, to screaming at their kids or spouse.

I find myself living in a society where communication is badly misused, misread and misjudged all because people are less tolerant of communicating with each other. I have seen people blatantly avoid having to say anything to another person because they didn’t want confrontation.

It is amazing how oblivious we all are to our own personality projection, how we expect others to read us and to just know what we mean and what we want. Nobody likes to be judged or criticised, we all we want to be viewed as quintessential humans. Yet, we are so unaware of how imprudent we are of others and how much we base our compatibilities and acceptance on first impressions.

A fickle friend once told me about all people having three personalities, how we as individuals see ourselves, how others see us, and how God sees us (of course this being our true potential). It is normal to have many identities, to fit into your everyday roles in life (professional, mother, father, husband, etc). Accepting that you shouldn’t compare your uniqueness to others would also contribute to that utopian happiness. But most importantly being conscious of how others are interpreting your communication is absolutely vital. What I can gather about how I see myself and how others see me is that I am two different people living in one body; sounds quite freaky.

But there are so many people out there who never realise this and they go about life with some serious behaviour issues that not only hurt others, but themselves. It's the person's responsibility to learn to control themselves but to also be aware of how they are projecting their actions onto others.

I can only be held accountable for my own actions and it's my responsibility to ensure others correctly understand me and view me the way I view myself. I have realised that I have been fallacious of others perception of me for quite sometime. Others have viewed me as being an arrogant, self centred, selfish, spoilt brat; I guess the first step to correcting the problem is acknowledging it and taking responsibility for being so ignorant of my actions. I won't sit here degrading my character as this will make me seem like a martyr but I guess what I am trying to say is that as a race we have yet to realise that part of the agro in this world is because we are misunderstood and very intolerant of pure and simple communication.

© 2007 Evete Van De Saar
http://www.writerscafe.org/stories.php?id=108981

Wonders of the Forest

I had the pleasure to ski today. Weather was awesome, sun shone and there was a light wind blowing. I soon noticed how an icy crust covered the snow, and how fast I could ski on it. Euphoric, I glided past the trees and rocks, through the bushes, with vigorous frenzy.

Snow started falling. Small flakes were carried around and around by fresh winds. I raced on previous tracks, now frozen and slippery, and then just jumped off to ski on the crust of untouched snow. When I was midst the firs, I stopped. I quietly thought to myself, that this is what I would call home. As I skied through the small concentration of firs, the trees gazed down unto me and greeted, and I greeted back.

As I came to the more swampy regions, where trees weren't as tall and strong, snowfall had increased somewhat. Of course, due to lack of trees, there was more space to ski, and I certainly was excited about it. It was lovely to just race there, under cloudy sky, where no one could disturb me for doing what I love. The snowfall ceased, and sun began to show itself from behind the clouds, almost like the nature had been watching my playing and was exhausted but happy from all it had seen. Nevertheless, I continued my fervous action with joy, my innocent play reminding me of small birds playing with water. Then, like all fun, my fun was to halt, when I decided to turn back to my 'official' home, as it would've gotten too late for some certain things I had to take care of, had I played a little longer.

Skiing steadily back to home, I decided to go through some dense group of spruces. As there was no straight route through that collection of trees, I had to slow down to a walking pace. I was in awe of the grandeur of nature, with these fresh and young firs arching over me as I was wandering on with child-like eyes. Suddenly, I stopped. I was completely surrounded by trees, and sunbeams were piercing the shadows there. Some tiny chips of snow were still falling off from the trees, in complete silence, except for the all-pervasive hum. I turned my head around with smile on my face, and watched this blissful view. At that moment, the thought of oneness with your surroundings emerged, after staying the whole day at background, and I was filled with the emotion that this is what I want: under the sun, doing things what you love, valued by you, without the social pretense and conformity so awfully common today.

Forest is honest.

What I mean by all this, is that many people value themselves through external sources, and what others think, not by themselves. People have lost confidence in themselves and are afraid of thinking, and so take the easy way out: conformation. The vast desert of values and philosophies existing and yet to be created terrifies some, so, they cling to what they see as sturdy, namely, the crowd. Without joining the masses, alienation would occur, and you would have to judge your values and doings all by yourself, fully exposed to the world.

Ideas of the crowd are always reduced to mediocre. This is because of the variety in a large enough group; the ideas and opinions of the extremes tend to be overwhelmed by the more common ones. So, the strongest voice of the crowd advocates those values, which are common within the majority there, and thus are doomed to be the most basic, down-to-earth values. That means that you must agree with these "core values" of a given group in order to fit in, and find security and shelter from the cold, silent space.

In the forest, whatever you do, the responsibility of your actions lies on your own shoulders. Trees will not help you get up if you fall down, and rocks will maim your knees if you trip. However, woods won't push any kind of thinking onto you, they just are, and thus leave you free to find your own ways to travel through the forest, play within it, in contrary to conforming with the crowd, which hates anything that is opposed to it's basic values, setting it's participants on a dry and weakening path, where everyone is as happy as any other. Anyone with a deeper insight into life itself than the average conformist will appreciate loneliness and refuge to be with yourself and your life, watching it closely and playing. Fresh winds will blow away any stagnancy of the crowd, and you can experience life, the forest, with child's eyes, where everything just is what they are. To rejoice amidst trees, to explore the bushes and to see what hides behind that rock there, that is life. Tired and happy, I returned from my trip full of wonders, unseen to the average people, who choose to stay in their big cities and groups, slowly choking to the stagnant air and being fearful of the forest, looming in the distant horizon, which challenges them with it's honesty, which I embrace.

Source: http://thefreshforests.no-ip.org/

I had the pleasure to ski today. Weather was awesome, sun shone and there was a light wind blowing. I soon noticed how an icy crust covered the snow, and how fast I could ski on it. Euphoric, I glided past the trees and rocks, through the bushes, with vigorous frenzy.

Snow started falling. Small flakes were carried around and around by fresh winds. I raced on previous tracks, now frozen and slippery, and then just jumped off to ski on the crust of untouched snow. When I was midst the firs, I stopped. I quietly thought to myself, that this is what I would call home. As I skied through the small concentration of firs, the trees gazed down unto me and greeted, and I greeted back.

As I came to the more swampy regions, where trees weren't as tall and strong, snowfall had increased somewhat. Of course, due to lack of trees, there was more space to ski, and I certainly was excited about it. It was lovely to just race there, under cloudy sky, where no one could disturb me for doing what I love. The snowfall ceased, and sun began to show itself from behind the clouds, almost like the nature had been watching my playing and was exhausted but happy from all it had seen. Nevertheless, I continued my fervous action with joy, my innocent play reminding me of small birds playing with water. Then, like all fun, my fun was to halt, when I decided to turn back to my 'official' home, as it would've gotten too late for some certain things I had to take care of, had I played a little longer.

Skiing steadily back to home, I decided to go through some dense group of spruces. As there was no straight route through that collection of trees, I had to slow down to a walking pace. I was in awe of the grandeur of nature, with these fresh and young firs arching over me as I was wandering on with child-like eyes. Suddenly, I stopped. I was completely surrounded by trees, and sunbeams were piercing the shadows there. Some tiny chips of snow were still falling off from the trees, in complete silence, except for the all-pervasive hum. I turned my head around with smile on my face, and watched this blissful view. At that moment, the thought of oneness with your surroundings emerged, after staying the whole day at background, and I was filled with the emotion that this is what I want: under the sun, doing things what you love, valued by you, without the social pretense and conformity so awfully common today.

Forest is honest.

What I mean by all this, is that many people value themselves through external sources, and what others think, not by themselves. People have lost confidence in themselves and are afraid of thinking, and so take the easy way out: conformation. The vast desert of values and philosophies existing and yet to be created terrifies some, so, they cling to what they see as sturdy, namely, the crowd. Without joining the masses, alienation would occur, and you would have to judge your values and doings all by yourself, fully exposed to the world.

Ideas of the crowd are always reduced to mediocre. This is because of the variety in a large enough group; the ideas and opinions of the extremes tend to be overwhelmed by the more common ones. So, the strongest voice of the crowd advocates those values, which are common within the majority there, and thus are doomed to be the most basic, down-to-earth values. That means that you must agree with these "core values" of a given group in order to fit in, and find security and shelter from the cold, silent space.

In the forest, whatever you do, the responsibility of your actions lies on your own shoulders. Trees will not help you get up if you fall down, and rocks will maim your knees if you trip. However, woods won't push any kind of thinking onto you, they just are, and thus leave you free to find your own ways to travel through the forest, play within it, in contrary to conforming with the crowd, which hates anything that is opposed to it's basic values, setting it's participants on a dry and weakening path, where everyone is as happy as any other. Anyone with a deeper insight into life itself than the average conformist will appreciate loneliness and refuge to be with yourself and your life, watching it closely and playing. Fresh winds will blow away any stagnancy of the crowd, and you can experience life, the forest, with child's eyes, where everything just is what they are. To rejoice amidst trees, to explore the bushes and to see what hides behind that rock there, that is life. Tired and happy, I returned from my trip full of wonders, unseen to the average people, who choose to stay in their big cities and groups, slowly choking to the stagnant air and being fearful of the forest, looming in the distant horizon, which challenges them with it's honesty, which I embrace.

Source: http://thefreshforests.no-ip.org/

Harriet's Regret

“Now why has she decided to sit next to me, especially as there are several other empty park benches.  Why can’t I just feel miserable alone?  I really need to stop talking to myself, I am sure that there is a medical term for this.”

Harriet looks at the woman through the corner of her eye, trying not to be too obvious.  The woman sits starring at the park landscape and the sky, she takes calm deep breaths.  Harriet tries to pretend that she doesn’t notice her; however, this is proving to be impossible, as it seems that the woman is deliberately trying to make herself noticed.  Finally, Harriet looks at the woman and unconvincingly smiles.  The woman smiles back and then speaks.

“Hi, I'm Maria.  I hope you don’t mind that I am sitting next to you?” 

Harriet replies hesitantly, “No, not at all.”

Maria smiles and looks around the park, “You see I couldn’t help but notice that you look very sad.” 

Harriet is awed at the woman’s straightforward yet very accurate remark.  She hadn’t quite realised that her inner feelings were actually that visible.  She was also annoyed that the woman was invading her privacy. 

Harriet replies, “Well, I come here most days to think and to get some air.  I hadn’t realised that I looked that sad?” 

Maria smiles and takes another deep breath, “I know that you come here most days, I do as well.  I normally sit on the bench just behind that tree over there.  I come here to meditate; I find it hard to relax anywhere else.  Funny really, sitting in the middle of this city, one would think that enlightenment would be the last thing anyone would be able to achieve.” 

Harriet smiles and nods her head, the smile replaced with a subdued sigh.  Under her breath she mumbles, “So you choose to meditate next to me.” 

"So what is your name?"

"I'm Harriet."

“So Harriet, why are you sad, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

Now Harriet actually does mind her asking but she knows that lately she hasn’t been able to talk to anyone about her feelings.  For some strange reason she feels comfortable with Maria; a strong familiarity that she can't quite pin point.  She also gets the impression that she won't be able to escape from this woman unless she starts talking. 

“I guess you can say that I am sad because I am confused and as always it is to do with love.  It seems to always involve love.” 

Maria listens attentively and nods her head, “Do you want to tell me about it, because I would really like to listen?” 

“To be honest it is not that interesting, well not to anyone else really?"

Maria replies, “I am listening and I am very interested in what you have to say, so please continue.” 

Harriet smiles reservedly, “Ok, if you insist.  I met this man, on a dating website and I know that this might seem a bit bizarre but after a long line of disappointments with the conventional method of dating, I figured I would resort to something new.”

Both women laugh and Maria replies, “well, these days anything is possible and hey why not.”

Harriet grins and continues, “I just want to feel a deeper connection with someone.  Do you understand what I mean?” 

Maria takes a deep breath, exhaling very slowly; she nods her head in agreement, “yes, I know what you mean.” 

“His name is Simon.  I exchanged emails with him for over a month prior to our first date and when I met him he was amazing.  We got on so well.  Anyway, it was all going great, so it seemed, we were very excited about wanting to know more about each other and we couldn’t get our hands off of each other, not to mention our lips!” 

Maria laughes and alignes her body so that it is directly mirroring Harriet’s.

“Now, I have dated quite a few guys, each special or shall we say unique, but with Simon it seemed like we had synchronicity that started from way before we physically met.  But I guess it turns out that he was just like all of the rest.”

Maria asks, “So why did everything suddenly get so bad?” 

“Well, a few weeks ago things started to feel tense, although I really like him; I was feeling reserved and unsure about whether I should allow myself to have feelings for him.  Let me rephrase that, to allow myself to feel a deeper connection to him.” 

“You see, I am so scared of getting hurt.  One after the other, each seeming to be the so called 'one' and each claiming victory over sections of my heart.  In the beginning it always seems that they can never get enough of me.  Then a couple of months later the phone calls and texts become scarce, they are too busy to meet up and finally I am left feeling that I am doing all of the compromising or dare I say, chasing.  Their excuses vary but tend to be something along the lines of, "there is a lot happening in my life at the moment and it is not fair on you; I can't give you the time you really deserve". 

Maria has a slight frown on her face,” did Simon tell you that?”

Harriet sighs, “Yup. He wants to be friends.  He said that he really cares for me but that he can’t commit at the moment.  Apparently he is very busy.  He travels regularly and works over seventy hours per week, amongst other voluntary commitments.  He told me that he would really like to settle down; it just seems that circumstances don’t permit for this to happen.”

Harriet then turns her face to Maria and asks, “Why has everything suddenly got so heavy, so terribly shit; isn’t a relationship, or in this instance a friendship suppose to be amicable and enjoyable? How are we supposed to be friends when we can’t communicate with each other?” 

Maria looks a bit puzzled, “So, when was the last time you two spoke?” 

“Over a week ago, he barely messages or phones me now unless I do all of the chasing.  I have decided that I won’t chase him anymore; in fact I have no intention to speak to him until he decides to make an effort to be a real friend!” 

Harriet tries to compose herself, “The thing is and I am sure most women say this, but I really felt a strong connection to him.  Even though consciously I was trying to deny myself of these feelings, inside, my heart and soul had already connected with him, in ways that I am only now beginning to realise.  It is because I do care that I just want to know where I stand, there is still so much I want to say and share, so much that we never got to do.”

Maria puts her hand over Harriet’s, “So what’s stopping you?” 

Harriet replies, “He won’t even speak to me, he just cuts me off before I can say anything.  He’s always telling me that he’s too busy." 

“Harriet, I won’t sit here and tell you what you want to hear.  I am sure you have plenty of friends that can do that for you.  It’s also not my place to tell you how to deal with these situations, as each one of us needs to learn that for ourselves, it’s all part of growing.  Now, I don’t know Simon but from what you tell me, it is obvious that you care for him.  It is also very likely that he feels the same for you; however, I don’t know that, as I haven’t heard his version of events.  One thing is for sure, and out of everything we discuss today, I would hope that you take this one bit of advice away with you.  The things that we regret the most are those things that we didn’t allow ourselves to feel, experience, or say.  Sure, we regret certain actions or thoughts but never as much as the things we didn’t do.”

Harriet nods her head in agreement.

“We have many soul mates in our lives and each one is the relationship we need at that time.  Sometimes these people stay in our lives for years and at other times they are gone before me know it.  There are relationships where you will be the teacher or sage and in others you will be the student.  Regardless, you need these relationships as they are teaching you so much about you and the people around you.”

“Now, I know that this is probably not what you want to hear right now.  I am sure you would rather if I just comforted your ego by telling you that things will work out and that he will be back before you know it.  The reality is that he may not be back, but what you need to keep in mind is that there will always be someone else whom you will connect with.  It all comes down to what your ideals are and what you are prepared to allow yourself to feel from these relationships.”

Harriet looks at Maria but this time she seems much stronger.  “I know that what you say is true.  I need to accept the experience for what it is at the moment.”

Maria grins, “There will come a time where you lose everything, be it material or emotional, in order to truly appreciate everything.  To find a soul that has reached the same level of growth as you, where both of you will feel completely uninhibited with each other and where you will accept each others' humanity is indeed very rare but it does happen.  In the meantime, you must always allow yourself to feel and live each experience; not doing so only slows down your growth.”

Both women sit silently taking in their experience, this encounter.

"Who said that enlightenment couldn't be achieved in the middle of the city?"  Both women laugh.

Written by: Evete Van de Saar

© 2006 www.evete.com

Life Lessons

Life puts us in situations that highlight our weaknesses.  Our job is to learn from the experiences and hope that we become stronger.  When we find ourselves experiencing 'ground hog day' over and over again, it is important to stop and reflect.  The reason we make the same mistakes over and over again is because we fail to learn the the main idea.

One's Perception of Truth

I find it difficult at times to take what others say seriously, especially their views on various topics i.e. sex, money, politics, etc. More recently, I have discovered that the more insistent a person is on the validity of their argument, most of the time it is because they are talking shit.

Maybe it's my cynicism, although there are times, more so than not, where I am subjected to viewing situations from a 'third person', with not just others perceptions but my own.

An example (but not limited to)

Whilst chatting to a very good friend, I witnessed the “death” of her integrity in the space of 30 minutes.

We have known each other for years and have shared and experienced the good and the bad, so to speak. She has always projected a clear perception of what she believed to be her truth, without ever enforcing or being prejudice. Admittedly, I didn’t always agree with her, but I admired her will to not betray herself above all.

I asked her for some advice, knowing that I probably wouldn’t take it, but I definitively would use it objectively in reaching a decision. She starts to tell me about how she has started an affair with a married man, keeping in mind she is in a relationship herself. She went on to describe the details and how she "dwells on the excitement of the possibility of being caught". She then answered my query with a statement along the lines of, “what the eyes don’t see the heart won’t grieve”.

I am not sure what was more disappointing, the fact she was having an affair and betraying her partner and her family or the betrayal and hypocrisy of her actions against all that she stood for.

Clearly this is bothering me or I wouldn’t be posting it on my blog, comments welcome!

Screwed up world

I’ve learned you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned we are responsible for what we do – unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, the kids did it.

I’ve leaned that the people you care about the most in life are taken away from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

- Author Unknown"

Simple Communication

I can quite happily drink my coffee and just stare out the cafe window watching the world (well, the town people on market day) and literally be taken in by the complexity of simplicity.

I have always been quite fascinated by watching other people interact, doing simple everyday tasks from walking the dog, putting petrol in their cars, greeting a friend, to screaming at their kids or spouse.

I find myself living in a society where communication is badly misused, misread and misjudged all because people are less tolerant of communicating with each other. I have seen people blatantly avoid having to say anything to another person because they didn’t want confrontation.

It is amazing how oblivious we all are to our own personality projection, how we expect others to read us and to just know what we mean and what we want. Nobody likes to be judged or criticised, we all we want to be viewed as quintessential humans. Yet, we are so unaware of how imprudent we are of others and how much we base our compatibilities and acceptance on first impressions.

A fickle friend once told me about all people having three personalities, how we as individuals see ourselves, how others see us, and how God sees us (of course this being our true potential). It is normal to have many identities, to fit into your everyday roles in life (professional, mother, father, husband, etc). Accepting that you shouldn’t compare your uniqueness to others would also contribute to that utopian happiness. But most importantly being conscious of how others are interpreting your communication is absolutely vital. What I can gather about how I see myself and how others see me is that I am two different people living in one body; sounds quite freaky.

But there are so many people out there who never realise this and they go about life with some serious behaviour issues that not only hurt others, but themselves. It's the person's responsibility to learn to control themseleves but to also be aware of how they are projecting their actions to others.

I can only be held accountable for my own actions and it's my responsibility to ensure others correctly understand me and view me the way I view myself. I have realised that I have been fallacious of others perception of me for quite sometime. Others have viewed me as being an arrogant, self centred, selfish, spoilt brat; I guess the first step to correcting the problem is acknowledging it and taking responsibility for being so ignorant of my actions. I won't sit here degrading my character as this will make me seem like a martyr but I guess what I am trying to say is that as a race we have yet to realise that part of the agro in this world is because we are misunderstood and very intolerant of pure and simple communication.

- Evete

Complexity of the Orgasm

". . . full sexual consciousness and a natural regulation of sexual life mean the end of mystical feelings of any kind, that, in other words, natural sexuality is the deadly enemy of mystical religion. The church, by making the fight over sexuality the center of its dogmas and of its influence over the masses, confirms this concept." -Wilhelm Reich

Psychic health depends on orgastic potency, that is, on the capacity for surrender in the acme of sexual excitation in the natural sexual act. Its basis is the unneurotic character attitude of capacity for love. Mental illness is a result of a disturbance in the natural capacity for love. In the case of orgastic impotence, from which a vast majority of humans are suffering, biological energy is dammed up, thus becoming the source of all kinds of irrational behavior. The cure of psychic disturbances requires in the first place the establishment of the natural capacity for love. It depends as much upon social as upon psychic conditions . . .

Owing to the split in the human character structure of today, nature and culture, instinct and morality, sexuality and achievement, are considered incompatible. That unity of culture and nature. work and love, morality and sexuality for which mankind is forever longing, this unity will remain a dream as long as man does not permit himself the satisfaction of the biological demands of natural (orgastic) sexual gratification. Until then, true democracy and responsible freedom will remain an illusion, and helpless submission to existing social conditions will characterize human existence. Until then, the extinguishing of life will prevail, be it in compulsive education, in compulsive social institutions or in wars.

Sexuality Theories by Wilhelm Reich

This was the result from a quiz I took...

Amorous Adventurer

Carefree and fun, you are easily excited when it comes to new experiences — and that includes relationships. It's not that you see boyfriends as frivolous pursuits, but you enjoy the art of the chase, and you work to make sure that long-term relationships maintain that sense of adventure and surprise.

You may not be the type of girlfriend who spends every waking hour with her man, but that doesn't mean you're not thinking about him. You're just an independent woman, and it's important for you to feel challenged and creative in most things you do. That's what makes any relationship an adventure.